5 truths about the fourth trimester

I laugh whenever I see someone haphazardly using the phrase “newborn bliss.” Sure, there might be some women out there who spend the weeks following the birth of their baby snuggled up in an impenetrable cocoon of love and milk-drunk bundles of sweetness and joy. But this was NOT my experience, and the more I opened up about what I was going through in the weeks following the birth of my little boy, the more I realised that the “all-for-show” instagram-happiness was not the norm! A more normal fourth trimester experience looked a little like this: giant panties, sleep deprivation, anxiety, ALL. THE. HORMONES, cracked nipples, leaking boobs, laundry and dirty dishes (everywhere!!!), pain and varying degrees of birth trauma. And I’m only scratching the surface really.

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WHAT TO EXPECT FROM THIS ARTICLE

If you want a feel-good, ignorance-is-bliss, insight into the early weeks with a newborn I suggest you close this window right now and put on a romcom. What I want to share is the raw, honest and beautiful truth about the fourth trimester. They are the things I wish someone had told me.

Five things I wish I had known about the fourth trimester

1. PHYSICAL HEALING IN THE EARLY WEEKS IS HARD

   Even with the most straightforward birth where no medical intervention happens at all, your body still feels like it has run a damn marathon 15 times over. I’ll be honest - I have actually blocked out most of the first weeks, but I do remember the adrenaline kept me shaking for three days after Harris’s birth. And every muscle in my body felt like stringy cheese! When it comes to postnatal healing there is no hard and fast rule, but at a bare minumum I’d suggest…

   WEEKS ONE AND TWO: Bed!! Give yourself time to heal physically and emotionally and use these days to create a cosy love nest for you and your tiny baby who is making a very big scary transition! This is also a really important time to care for yourself - have a bath, wash your hair, eat well and drink lots of water. Take very good care of any stitches that are healing too - keeping them clean and dry. You might be tempted to throw self care out the window, but remember that your baby needs a healthy and strong mother!

   WEEKS THREE & FOUR: Add in a few sofa days, but the stairs are still your enemy so don’t throw yourself up and down them all day long and try to steer clear of lifting heavy objects too. It’s not always easy with the laundry pilling up, but if you can avoid it, do! If you haven’t ventured out the house much yet then this is a good time to start - the fresh air will do wonders for your mental health and help your baby sleep better. Remember to keep walks short and if you get tired just call it a day! Postnatal healing is a marathon, not a sprint - pace yourself.

2. YOU’RE ALLOWED TO SAY NO

   You’re tired, your house is a mess, everything aches, you’re pumped full of hormones and people, even those who mean well, seem to be looking right past you (or sometimes through you) at your new baby. In short, if you feel like crap you’re allowed to feel that way. I remember days where I’d hand the baby over to my husband when he got home, go sit under the shower and just cry. Because I needed too. Because it was all just too much. The best thing I ever did for myself in those early weeks was give myself permission to say “NO” - no I don’t want you to come to my house, no I don’t want you to hold my baby, no I don’t want your opinions on X, Y, Z and no I won’t apologise if I’m short with you or cancel at the last minute.

3. LOVE AND RESENTFULNESS CAN CO-EXIST

   I wish I’d really taken this to heart more. There were days where I just couldn’t cope with the screaming anymore, or my body was totally touched out and I wanted to just hand my baby over and go be with myself and by myself for a bit. And I felt SO guilty for not being totally in love and obsessed with my baby every waking moment of the day. I should feel more grateful, I should look at him and bubble up with love or miss him if I sit on the toilet by myself for too long. But, being a new mother was simultaneously the hardest and the easiest thing I had ever done. I learned, eventually, that I could love myself and respect my emotions and limits and also love him unconditionally.

4. THERE IS NO “RIGHT” WAY

   Speaking to mothers every day I learned that we were all doing things differently. Sometimes vastly differently. And all of us were right; it was just a case of what was best for our babies, for us as individuals and our families. Cosleeping / not cosleeping, breastfeeding / formula feeding, seeing family and friends / staying home, swaddling / not swaddling, using a pacifier / not using one… I could go on. The point is that, I realised very quickly that I could hear all the advice in the world but I didn’t have to take anyone’s advice in particular because their baby was not my baby. The ‘right way” is the way that works best for you. In the end, I blocked out the noise, downloaded the Nanny Louenna app and followed her advice on almost everything which worked well for my parenting style and for my baby’s needs.

5. THIS TOO SHALL PASS

   I found it so easy to let myself become overwhelmed by daily issues - colic, sleepless nights, purple crying etc. But early on in the fourth trimester I heard about the Wonder Weeks app and although I never downloaded the app (I don’t need to see a list of all the problems that await me in the future, thanks!) I realised that all these things were the result of normal, natural baby development and they would pass. My baby was learning to grasp things, to smile, to coo, to recognize me, to giggle. It’s all very very hard work, and it won’t last forever!

Number 6

I have to add another, very important point here, because it’s easy to get snowed under in your struggles, fears and worries. The fourth trimester is MAGIC! You get to watch the tiny human you created learn to navigate life in the big, wide world, you get to watch yourself evolve into a powerful woman and mother - more powerful and full of love than you ever thought possible. And there will be nights where it’s just the two of you, cuddled up in the darkness, nursing and you’ll stroke their hair, kiss their tiny fingers, sigh into the darkness and feel more whole and at peace than you ever thought possible.