Called to Courage

Just before Christmas last year (2019) I found out I was pregnant. My husband and I had been trying for the larger part of the year for a baby, so we were overjoyed! My brother and his partner were staying with us at the time so we shared the news with them too, and set up elaborate and very exciting plans to try and hide this fact from our friends and family. It was thrilling, and just like I thought it would be. I was afraid for what the future held of course; I was afraid of how pregnancy would impact my teaching and my retreats (which had just started to take off) and I had just quit my job and launched a new business so there was a lot of financial uncertainty. But I recognised what a great blessing it was to be carrying a human being inside me, and I knew that, no matter what obstacles we faced, we’d figure it out.

Then things changed. I got extremely sick after Christmas; this was the most unwell I had been in years. It got so bad that at one stage I felt near-on delirious with fever, and I could barely speak my stomach was in so much pain from coughing. We cancelled our New Years party and I cried myself to sleep that night in a cold sweat. About two weeks after this, I had a silent miscarriage; my baby’s heart stopped beating inside me and I didn’t even know.

WHY?! When you have a miscarriage under 12 weeks you are told that there really isn’t anything that you could have done about it. That it’s most likely down to a chromosomal abnormality. But, if you have sat where I sit you’ll know that this is just not enough; I needed to know why this happened to me so I could start to forgive myself, to put it to rest and to know what I could do differently next time. But knowledge was a luxury I wasn’t allowed. So, I can’t tell you '“why” - if you’re reading this in search of your own why, or if you’re hoping to gain some insight into “how to avoid a miscarriage” I’m very sorry to disappoint you. All I can say is that, for my own peace of mind I settled on the fact that my illness stole from my baby’s development in its most vital stage; I was pumped full of paracetamol and fighting a virus instead. So whilst I’ll never know know the true reason, this seems a good enough reason to me and gives me some respite.

What followed were, without a doubt, some of the darkest days I’ve ever known. From the shock of looking at the monitor and seeing that unmoving, quiet body inside me, to miscarrying in my bathroom three days later and the emptiness that followed, this is a time I will never forget. I still come back to it every now and then and allow myself to feel the pain; I know it will soften with time and I’m lucky enough to have the courage to allow it that space.

What happened next. My husband and I were emotionally exhausted and wanted to get away from it all so we booked flights to Kenya to go and visit my parents for a week. Then Covid 19 arrived and we couldn’t travel; our flights were cancelled and we began the very stressful process of trying to get a refund for them. On top of this, I had just launched a property marketing business and I was in process of securing a big/dream client; one that would cement my business and help it grow. With no bookings, only cancellations, in the travel industry I lost my only other client AND the new contract I had pinned my dreams on. I was also forced to cancel my local classes, and then my first private yoga retreat booking. I then had to postpone my Scotland retreat and cancel a retreat to Morocco I had JUST launched and had already taken bookings for. 100% of my income disappeared, seemingly overnight.

I felt truly and utterly defeated. I look back at that time and wonder how I didn’t completely lose hope.

Thankfully, I was able to move my classes online and I created a virtual yoga space that offered a range of classes, knowing too that I wasn’t the only one struggling in this time I made them donation based. Offering free yoga to those that needed it felt like the little I could do to help, in a time where I have never felt more helpless. The classes gained a few regulars, and donations kept food on my table but having lost my direction entirely I needed an anchor and so I was called to courage again; I signed up for the Bliss Baby online prenatal and postnatal yoga teacher training. And with it came an immeasurable amount of fear.

The truth is that when I was pregnant I was sick and in bed, or too exhausted to do anything other gentle stretches or maybe ten/fifteen minutes of basic asana. But there is so much misunderstanding, so much unknown and SO much judgement that comes with miscarriage that I was terrified (AM terrified) that people are going to say, “no way am I going to do yoga with a yoga teacher who had a miscarriage.” As if my yoga practice was the cause. More than anything, this is what brings the tears back in my darkest hours. Because, not only did my yoga practice NOT cause my miscarriage I believe it was largely the reason I made it out of that season of my life in one piece. People kept telling me how brave I was being; so I want you to know that my courage comes with thanks to my yoga practice. With thanks to the lessons I have learned in deep breathing, in leaning in to hard emotions but not letting them overwhelm you, to moving with physical and emotional pain and trusting myself and my body. And ultimately this was why I signed up for this training.

It’s been an emotional journey; my words are really just scratching at the surface of it all, and I honestly wasn’t sure how I would come out the other end. Let’s be real, I’m not out the other end! But I know with more certainty than I have had in months that supporting woman through their pregnancy and into birth is where I want to be. Heck, it’s where I NEED to be. I believe more than ever in the power of yoga to support women in the physical and emotional changes they go through in pregnancy, to give them essential tools for labour and birth and to empower them to embrace uncertainty and change with courage and kindness.

This process has only left me in awe of women; we are warriors! Never doubt that. We can move through the worst of times with grace, we can be strong and soft in the same breath and we take the risk to love every. single. day, knowing the risks full well. I see you, and I love you.

Kat xx